A few weeks ago, someone dear to me asked me, “How do you experience God?” I wrote her an e-mail, entitled, “A few initial thoughts on God.” I realize that this title makes me sound a bit like an aspiring C.S. Lewis, holding forth to Magdalen undergrads. But– any thoughts I have, even if I spend my life thinking them, will be “initial.” I’m finite.
As I composed the e-mail, I found myself articulating things that I think about frequently, and noticed several threads of thought that influence my work, in the different work I do. Here is what I wrote:
“I suppose I have three things I want to say, that are related to your questions, and might be helpful for you to think about.
1. I pray every day, at night, or try to. I’ve had this pattern for many years now. For many years, and mostly, I try to use a prayer journal, so I’m writing. A really fantastic priest, Jake, gave me a pattern I still use: Praise, Thank, Ask for Forgiveness, and Supplication (asking for blessings, other things.)
The Praise part is sometimes the most difficult, because it’s hard to put into words the joyful, ineffable, “wow-ness” that (to me) praising God is about. If I notice something during the day, like an incredible sunrise, or a great moment with my students, or some piece of text that inspires me, I’ll re-think about that, maybe mentioning it (in writing) during the praise part.
Then, I ask for forgiveness, for some general things, and then some specific things, maybe related to that day.
And finally, I just ask for everything else, specific things, prayer requests from friends, help with areas of my life.
I don’t always want to pray. I’m often tired, and just want to read, and go to bed. But a lot of CS Lewis reading has instilled in me the idea that this is a relationship, and God of course understands that I’m tired and reluctant, but that it’s valuable to put that gesture-out-towards. That’s how I think of it: that I’m gesturing out towards God, and understanding that God will give so much to me– it’s not tit for tat, but being willing to make the gesture makes me more open, and possibly more responsive.
A huge thing for me: I believe that prayer is like breathing, an in, an out. It doesn’t _come from_ us, or from me. It comes from God. And I am like a valve, opening, and closing. My “sending out” of prayer is one part of the reception that I get from God– the sending “to me” of God’s energy, and Grace.
So the other thing I try to remember, besides trying to pray daily, is that I’m not “doing” the prayer. One image from Catherine of Siena that I find really helpful– she had an experience where she was granted the perception that we are like fish, swimming in God’s Grace. It is not somewhere far from us, or granted us in piecemeal, we are swimming in it– breathing it in, it is our gills, it is what we are made of.
This is worth remembering if I start to feel guilty about not praying, or not being able to access God, or thinking I’m not “doing” enough. I would do better instead to remember that image, and consider how God moves around my life, constantly, in millions of ways I will never be able to perceive or understand.
2. I’ve also found it helpful to sometimes do a practice of looking for God in the world. I had an assignment when I first came to Union, to take a subway ride to another borough, and look for evidences of religious feeling. Tattoos of religious symbols, jewelry with Christ or the Virgin Mary, religious flags, candles, graffiti, storefront temples and synagogues, buskers singing religious songs. It was a way of seeing religion in the city, but I do it sometimes now just to open myself up to being surprised. If I set out on my commute looking for God, what will I see to jar me into noticing God? A teenager’s huge gold Jesus pendant, and an old woman reading the New Testament in Spanish–on the train to school, I take these as reminders to remember my own beliefs, and to _notice_.
3. It can be hard, but I think it’s good to ask others to pray for us, if that feels right. At least for me, I don’t have a lot of friends who talk about praying, and prayer circles, or chains– these all seem slightly old-fashioned, and a little embarrassing. Except, I _do_ pray for people (have since I was a child), and others pray for me. Once I realized this, I decided that I didn’t want to be disingenuous about it– I started to go ahead and be vocal about asking others for prayer, and to say to others, “I’m praying for you.” I’ve found some surprises among friends who, as it turns out, were comfortable with that, and it allowed some new conversations about spiritual lives to open up.
Because, really– I do think that prayer has an affect on me, and that we are all connected, like by golden threads in an immense tapestry. I cannot see or understand the pattern of the whole, but I do understand (and sometimes have amazing moments of sensing those connections) that I am connected deeply to those around me. It is good, and a blessing, to let myself open myself to the possibility of prayer touching me, and I think that when we pray for one another… those strands of connections… (how to put it) sing with vibration down the line? Strengthen? Get imperceptibly thicker and more strong?
I guess I haven’t really answered your initial question: ‘How do you experience God?’ I’ll try to come back to it– but I’ve touched on it here– I experience God by cultivating a habit of opening myself to God, of trying to keep the habit of noticing, and by understanding that my relationships here on earth are small-scale models for my relationship (our relationships) with God. So I experience God in all of those practices, the things I try to do, or be aware of.”
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