Sunday night, I fell down stairs and broke my ankle.
I was in a beautiful Chapel, practicing Compline with my friend Jane–we were due to go upstairs into the sanctuary to sing, and I fell.
It was horrible– my whole body was surprised. I was also embarrassed, and began wishing immediately that I could just stand up and shake it off. In the next few moments, Jane helped me lay on my back, the Lutheran campus pastor came downstairs (hearing me cry) and another woman who was there to sing joined us as well. They discussed whether or not they should call the ambulance, kindly ignoring my tearful assertions that I was probably okay. After we tried to stand up, I realized that I was wrong.
It felt as if something was terribly loose in my ankle– I visualized it as a letter /C/ on it’s side, like a cup which is usually strong and firm. In this case, it was very loose, and would not hold my leg up.
(I once knew an MD/PhD student–rare to be getting both–whose main academic interest was the language we use to describe pain. He said that we really have very little language–we compare things to burning, to weight, to pressure. Doctors ask us to rate things. He wanted to study these limitations in language, and try to help think of new ways for doctors to aid patients in talking about pain.)
When I tried to stand, I was immediately gasping for breath and weeping–and I believe I tried to explain how the “C in my ankle wasn’t sturdy, it was loose and terrible.” Goodness knows what they thought of this. Needless to say, they called Matt and the ambulance service.
The worst part, besides the actual ankle, was being carried down another flight of marble stairs by the paramedics in a small chair-thing. For some reason, the jerky uncertain feeling of going backwards down stairs, being carried by three people, brought on a panic attack–soon my teeth were chattering and I was begging them to just let me go home. Later, Jane said I did quite well, but I can’t help but feel that I must have been a horrible patient.
Matt rode in the ambulance and stayed in the ER with me for the entire four (five?) hours. I got a plaster cast and crutches. We got home at 4:30 AM on Monday morning. My good leg and entire body were so exhausted that I actually couldn’t make the crutches work down our long hallway. I had to crawl. I was so thankful that all of my floormates and neighbors were asleep and wouldn’t see me, sweaty and weeping, struggling to get home.
Tuesday, in a cab on the way to the orthopedist, the cabbie–who was chatting away on his phone–got into a car accident. My body slid forward; my bad foot jammed beneath the seat in front of me. I had an incredulous feeling of: “Really?! A car accident?” The cabbie kept repeating, sotto voce, “Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit…” That was a good day, though, because I got a very high-tech bio-boot instead of the plaster cast, and am much more mobile.
So, I’m struggling with not being able to do ten or thirty things at once, and am surprised by how tired I get, how physically achey and exhausted I get after doing (seemingly) very little.
For now, I’m watching episodes of Two Fat Ladies and Christmas movies with Matt. He’s amazingly patient and wonderful. Next up: I’ll “direct” the decoration of the Christmas tree from my perch on the sofa.