Anger

“When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear.”

–-Mark Twain

There is a woman in my class and she makes me see red.  Actually, it’s a combination of emotions: anger, guilt (because she is genuinely fond of me and can’t seem to tell that I don’t like her), and anxiety.

Here’s how she works: in various classes I’ve had with her, she is confrontational with the teachers and other students, she hijaks class discussions and bullies the professor, TA, or other students into letting her do so, and she refuses to simply wait, or be patient, or not say anything…strategies many of us use so that the class can move forward.  It’s a kind of self-centeredness that drives me crazy.  Also, I have only had one professor with her so far that can “handle” her, so often I have the added discomfort of seeing a professional I admire and respect lose control of the class.

Last summer, she bought a textbook in addition to the one we were using and routinely interrupted the teacher to ask why we were being taught _this_ way, and why we weren’t being told _this._  It was embarrassing, to watch the young, female teacher struggle with this powerful student, capable of stopping class for her complaints.  Eventually, this classmate of mine began e-mailing the class with complaints about the teacher, including charges of anti-Semitism—I absolutely could not allow this to continue, and forwarded them along to my own advisor.  The charges were unfounded and could have de-railed this young teacher’s academic teaching career.  Not to mention that the e-mails were petty, gossipy, and destructive.

Last summer, I found it incredibly difficult to concentrate in this class–the confrontations between the student and the teacher made me anxious, and I just felt it was unfair and ugly.  I had a hard time focusing, and just thought my classmate was being awful, and couldn’t stand sitting near her in class.  Again, she never read this from me, and so continues to greet me with much affection–which makes me feel guilty and two-faced for disliking her so.

Tonight she began again.  It’s so bullying–the way she forces the teacher to stop the lesson to address her odd complaints.  She was also refusing to go along with the lesson, and would hear reason from no one.  Several gracious people tried to answer her; she responded by waving her hands in front of her face and rolling her eyes: “I’m not listening to you.”  I tried to explain to her, to talk to her so that she would feel answered and stop, but she just refused, and continued in her unreasonable line.  I heard my voice get very tight and angry with her; my heart was racing and I was beginning to feel anxious.

So I left for 25 minutes.  When I returned, she was _still_ going.  I was surging with anger.  And anger is not an emotion I’m comfortable with.  Even an hour after returning from class, I felt wound-up, and tense.  

I know part of my discomfort with anger is that it isn’t a “good girl” or “nice” emotional response.  I’m judging myself harshly when I feel it coming, and that adds to the inner tension.  I admire my girlfriends who can be righteously angry or indignant when appropriate. In fact, I’ve benfitted from it.  What does one do, though, when one’s  body is charging with anger, and there’s no real action one can take?

For the short term, I can choose not to sit near her, and try to let her actions be removed from my inner space.  I can draw, in my mind, a safe boundary around me.  But what to do about the surges, and the wanting to do something to stop her?  Those are inappropriate, I think.  I wish there were a simple solution. Maybe I’ll just write choice swear words over an over again in my notes…

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